Dating Indiana Jones

I’ve never understood the appeal of bad boys.  I’m just not attracted to them.  You won’t see me as a groupie for some struggling future rock god.   In college I avoided the frat guys and their ‘no girls allowed’ bro culture.  Even as a kid I preferred Luke Skywalker to Han Solo.  So I thought I would be able to go my whole dating life without succumbing to the allure of the bad boy.  I thought I was immune.  I thought wrong.

Two years ago I ventured into the world of online dating and for the first time I encountered a very specific breed of man who while not truly ‘bad’ is at least bad for me.  I call them the “nomadic adventurer”.  I’ve dated several of these guys and discovered that they are my kryptonite. 

My encounters with them start promisingly enough.  We meet online and go on a few dates.  I find out that they live alone.  Cool, I also live alone so no roommate arrangements to work around.  I find out that they like to be outdoors.  Perfect, I love all sorts of hiking, camping and canoeing.  I find out that they like to travel.  Amazing, I’m always coming up with new places I want to visit.  At this point, I’m smitten and ready to start dating in earnest.  But then, BOOM, they decide they aren’t ready for a relationship until they fulfill their dreams of climbing Everest or free diving with Great Whites or something.  Then why are you on Match.com now?!?

I shouldn’t really be surprised that I’m a sucker for this type of guy though.  A few years ago I became obsessed with a show on the SyFy channel called Destination Truth.  I became particularly enamored with the charismatic host Josh Gates.  So much so that I often refer to him as ‘my boyfriend Josh Gates’.  You guys, Josh is awesome.  He scuba dives, rides horses, rappels into volcanoes and fearlessly pursues potentially dangerous creatures every day. He’s like a real life Indiana Jones.  Swoon.  But he is also the epitome of the nomadic adventurer type who I’m trying so hard to avoid.  In his book Destination Truth: Memoirs of a Monster Hunter he talks about how once you start traveling it becomes addictive.  He also says that his lifestyle “requires a terrible downsizing of family and friends”.  Yikes.  This is exactly the attitude that I need to avoid because it is in direct conflict with my own desires for domesticity.  Yes, I bought his book.  What?  I wanted to know if he had a girlfriend. 

The thing about these guys is that they might actually be perfect boyfriends and husbands for equally free-spirited woman.  But that isn’t me.  When I picture myself travelling in the future I see myself with my husband and possibly kids (if they are old enough and sturdy).  I imagine navigating the streets of Paris hand in hand with my man and stopping to duck into a little café or wander through a park.  Or snuggling around a campfire with my husband and kids while we tell ghost stories and make s’mores.  But these guys don’t think like that.  They are the lone wolf types who go camping with just a sleeping bag and a bottle of water.  Who can pack up their entire life on a moment’s notice and move to Japan just because they had a fight with their boss.  One guy even told me that if commercial space travel ever became possible he would gladly leave his family for months to go to the moon even if there was a strong possibility he might never come back.  Yep, that one was a keeper. 

Now, I understand that not all guys who like to travel fall into this category.  Many men make wonderful partners and still have a taste for adventure.  But if you are looking for a relationship and encounter a man who’s username is something like FreeLiving4Life or AdventureMan69 run in the other direction.  Run extra fast if his profile pictures include 12 shots of Tibet and none of his friends or family.  Break the sound barrier if he refers to himself as “just a crazy wanderer on this awesome planet of ours”. Trust me on this one. 

If anyone knows Josh Gates though, feel free to give him my number.  A girl can dream, can’t she?

A Bad Boy who Sings

Romantic comedies have long been blamed for giving women and girls unrealistic expectations for men and romance.  But, while some girls my age grew up dreaming of Westley from The Princess Bride or Harry from When Harry Met Sally, I dreamed of Henry Higgins from the musical My Fair Lady.  As my romantic interests developed I would vacillate between wanting a man like Henry Higgins (an intellectual who presents a grumpy exterior but can be warmed by the right woman) and a man like Eliza Doolittle’s other suitor Freddy Eynsford-Hill (a moderately dim, but totally openhearted man who wants nothing more than to wait outside a woman’s house until she decides to grace him with her presence).  Frankly, I blame all my indecisiveness about men during my teens and twenties on My Fair Lady.  It explains a lot.

Recently I saw a production of The Music Man that featured a particularly lecherous portrayal of the main character Harold Hill.  Now this character is supposed to be a bit of a good “bad boy”, but in this production he bordered on creepy and I was afraid he might slip Marian the Librarian a roofie.  Meet you later by the hollow log?  Only if I bring pepper spray.

This got me thinking about other somewhat questionable male/female interactions in the beloved musicals from my childhood.  When I listened to some of the lyrics without the dreamy romantic blinders of my childhood, I noticed how incredibly sexist they can be.  Here are a few choice examples.

NOTE: this is not a serious critique of musicals and is meant to be humorous.  I don’t actually believe musical theatre is bad for young girls.

The King and I

Arguably one of the more sexually charged of the Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals, the King of Siam and school teacher Anna flirt and fight about values and trade ideas.  And take one pretty amazing spin around the dance floor.  You can tell the King respects Anna as much as he is able to respect any woman.  The problem comes from the way the King treats the other women in his life, his slaves and concubines. 

His chief wife sings,

“The Thoughtless things he'll do
Will hurt and worry you
But all at once he'll do
Something wonderful”

“You'll always go along,

Defend him when he's wrong

And tell him, when he's strong

He is wonderful

He'll always need your love

And so he'll get your love.

A man who needs your love

Can be wonderful.”

So basically, stand by your man no matter what and you will occasionally be rewarded with his good behavior.  Got it.

Carousel

This one is tough for me because its my favorite Rodgers and Hammerstein musical.  No matter what the lyrics say or mean, the music is undeniably gorgeous.  And there are lots of good examples here for girls to stay strong and be independent and that they can make it on their own. 

However, lyrics like these make it a little harder to support this one fully.

“Something made him the way that he is,

Whether he's false or true,

And something gave him the things that are his,

One of those things is you, so

When he wants your kisses,

You will give them to the lad,

And anywhere he leads you, you will walk.

And anytime he needs you,

You'll go running there like mad.”

This takes the sentiment from the Kind and I one step further.  In this case you need to support your man and not even expect anything in return.

Phantom of the Opera

In case it seems like I’m ignoring the fact that attitudes about women in the 50’s and 60’s were very different than now, here is an example from the much more progressive 80’s.  As a friend of mine put it, the Phantom and Christine have a “creepy father/sex thing going on”.  Is the Phantom a teacher?  A love interest?  A father figure?  With lyrics like this, the line seems dangerously blurry.

“Close your Eyes –
For your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn’t what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be.

Floating, falling, Sweet Intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each Sensation
Let the dream begin, Let your darker side give in
To the Power of the music that I write”

The list of questionable musicals could go on and on.  From “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” (kidnapping) to “Oliver!” (domestic abuse) to "South Pacific" (pimping out one’s daughter).  Even good old Jesus himself isn’t immune as he seems to spend a awful lot of time in "Jesus Christ Superstar" yelling at Mary Magdalene.

So what can we make of these musicals and the relations they portray?  This list might seem damning, but these examples aren’t that different than the way women act in many contemporary romantic comedies.  So are musicals sexist and hopelessly outdated?  Maybe.  But am I going to go listen to Carousel on my iPod right now?  Definitely.