The myth of friends as family

I recently watched an episode of the show “The Mindy Project” that really got under my skin.  Not because the funny and charming Mindy Kaling is wasting her considerable talents in such an inane and utterly charmless sitcom, but because the plot was resolved by the television cliché of “my friends are my family”.

In this episode, Mindy’s character finds out that the man she thought was her boyfriend is cheating on her when his actual girlfriend crashes her Christmas party.  Understandably upset, Mindy runs off to her bedroom to cry.  In her absence, her friends decide that she is such an awesome person they need to carry on the party for her.  Mindy emerges from her bedroom and finds her friends celebrating.  She is cheered by this and is soon singing karaoke like nothing happened.

I believe the lesson we are supposed to take from this is that while you might be upset about losing your boyfriend, it’s okay because your friends are there to support you.  On the surface this seems like a great message.  It’s very in line with the modern viewpoint that relationships may come and go, but friends are forever.  And it’s not that I disagree with that exactly, I just think it’s a limiting way to look at relationships.

I was in this type of situation myself a couple years ago.  At the time I did actually have a boyfriend, but he lived three hours away and was extremely unreliable.  Because I didn’t want to burden my friends with how unsupported I felt, I tried to do everything myself.  I put on a happy face and attended parties by myself.  I even went house hunting by myself.  Several friends’ husbands offered to help me move, and while I was grateful for the offer it also made me feel crushingly sad.  I wanted my own husband to help me move.  Or I wanted to be the type of woman who didn’t want my own husband.  But instead I felt trapped between the two.  Wanting someone who offered something more than friendship, but feeling disgusted with myself for wanting that.

What bothered me so much about that episode of “The Mindy Project” was how her friends seemed to expect her to just “snap out of it” and be consoled by their efforts.  But, what if she needed more time to grieve the loss of a relationship with a man who told her he could “at least consider the possibility of forever”?  What if she simply refused to come out of her room and be cheered?  What if she made a stand and said “I’m so glad I have you as my friends, but I really wish I had a boyfriend too”?

See, to me, the prevailing idea that your friends are your family is actually a bit anti-feminist.  Yes, it’s wonderful for women to have rich, full lives independent from men, but by imposing this idea that you don’t need a man some women feel like they shouldn’t want one.  Shows like “How I Met Your Mother”, “Sex in the City”, “New Girl” and of course “Friends” present the idea that as long as you have your friends, you have all you need.  For some women though that is simply not true.  And we need to make that okay.   If a woman doesn’t particularly want to by tied down in a committed relationship, she shouldn’t have to be.  But by the same token, if she craves the stability of a husband and a typical family structure that should be respected too.  The point of feminism is not to say “it should be like this”.  The point is to say “it can be however you want it to be.”