I’ve been thinking a lot lately about happiness. I recently finished reading “The Happiness
Project” and its sequel “Happier at Home” and like any good books they triggered
plenty of self reflection.
I put off reading these books for quite awhile and until
recently I wasn’t really sure why.
Shamefully, I am a huge fan of the genre of “stunt journalism”. If someone spends a year eating only pickles
or living according to the principles of Dr. Seuss, I want to read about
it. By the way, if anyone wants to write
a book about either of these things please feel free to steal these ideas. I guarantee you will have at least one
reader. So the idea of a writer spending
a year trying to increase her personal happiness should have been right up my
alley.
I’ve read reviews of the “Happiness Project” where the
author, Gretchen Rubin, was criticized for her privileged lifestyle. The question seemed to be why can’t this
woman with money, security, a healthy family and even a bit of fame just be
happy with what she has? And if she
isn’t happy with her life, how can anyone of more modest circumstances be happy
with theirs?
These are extremely valid questions and probably one of my
issues as well, although I couldn’t express it as clearly. I think the problem I had with the “Happiness
Project” books was my fear that I was going to be told that if I wasn’t happy
it was my own fault. That there were specific things I needed to do to make
myself happier and if I didn’t do them I didn’t deserve to be happy. I also didn’t want to visualize or chant or
anything like that. Ultimately, I
enjoyed both “Happiness Project” books and began looking for ways to find more
happiness in my own life.
It also got me thinking though about the ways in which we
are happy for other people. It seems
like in certain circumstances we feel like happiness has to be earned. Much has been said about how our culture
loves to root for the underdog (until they get too high and mighty of course)
and I’ve noticed this behavior in myself as well.
I was in a 13 year dating relationship with a man throughout
my late teens and 20’s. I have to
specify “dating” because it never went any further than that. We never lived together and were never
married or even engaged. We had the type
of relationship that no one would be jealous of, but in my mind I invented a
story about how happy everyone would be for us once we finally got married. This fictional “everyone” would attend the
wedding and breathe a collective sigh of relief at the exchange of vows. It would be like we all ran a marathon
together and I expected a great big finisher’s medal in the form of a wedding
ring.
And why did I think everyone would be so happy for us? Because we had “earned” it. We had persevered through our struggles and
come out on the other side. I realize
now that probably no one thought like this and it was only my way of protecting
myself from feelings of inadequacy. I
used to scoff at people who had quick engagements. They hadn’t earned anything. They hadn’t put in the time. They had only known each other for like 5
seconds! Why should they get happiness
and not me?
Of course I no longer feel this way. I realized that it was a self absorbed and
petty way to think. And because the
universe loves irony, I am currently engaged to a man who I have been dating
less than a year.
More often, I’ve seen this way of thinking manifest itself
when women announce they are pregnant. I
might have been a little bit in my own passive aggressive world when it came to
how I felt about people getting engaged, but plenty of otherwise kind and good
hearted women turn positively catty when they hear about someone getting
pregnant who they feel doesn’t “deserve” it.
As a culture we are always happier for those couples who struggle and
plan for years to have a baby than for a teenage unwed mother. But aren’t all babies cause for
celebration? Isn’t all new life
meaningful?
I think in many cases we feel this way because it makes for
a better story, a happier narrative for someone’s life. We tell ourselves, “They wanted a baby very
much and they tried for years and spent so much time and money. Then after
years of heartache they finally had a baby.
It’s a miracle.”
But we are not the arbiters of someone else’s
happiness. Nor should we be. I think we would all be a lot happier with
our own lives if we stopped ascribing value
to the events in others lives. Happiness
is not a sliding scale.
When I started dating again, I made a list of my top 5 “must
haves” in a man. One of the items on my
list was an ability to be happy even if his life wasn’t exactly the way he
wanted it to be. This is a wonderful
quality in a man and an even more important lesson for me to learn. Because once I stopped trying so hard to
force my life into a perfect happiness box, I learned to appreciate all the
things in my life that did make me happy.
And I didn’t even need to create a vision board to do it.